In a recent interview, Nigel Farage stated that anti-discrimination laws are no longer needed in the UK, and could in fact lead to further discrimination. Inspired by this stance and logic, investment in healthcare, medical research and hygiene standards have been described as wasteful and outdated by a collection of virulent and deadly diseases.

In one of a series of ground-breaking interviews, Clive, a culture of meticillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus (more commonly known as MRSA) in a petri dish, condemned the ongoing investigations into finding new antibiotics and treatments.

“It’s just excessive. We’ve already got plenty of antibiotics available, why do we need more? You hear those do-gooders going on about so-called antibiotic resistance as if it’s a bad thing, but the fact that people are choosing to actively resist antibiotics clearly shows that they’ve finally had enough of them, coming over here, combating our traditional British pathogens. People should be allowed to catch and spread whatever disease they like, without the nanny state stepping in and taking their freedoms away.”

Barry, a particularly vicious strain of the Ebola virus, criticised knee-jerk reactions against new and interesting diseases and stated that a more tolerant approach was needed.

“Ebola had great potential to be one of the next big diseases in the UK. It’s fast acting and very impressive, offering a wide variety of symptoms. It could have done very well in the dense urban areas like London, but instead it was hindered and blocked by obstinate and paranoid policies regarding health and stopping people from dying. They even invested copious time and money on tests for Ebola, and yet rhinoviruses are allowed to come and go as they please? It’s another typical example of the left-wing establishment ignoring the established illnesses but using bureaucracy and outdated policies to suppress the small virus.”

Gary, a sentient clump of the single-stranded, negative-sense, enveloped RNA virus known as measles, cited recent campaigns against vaccinations and medicine as proof that the whole concept of medicine needed to be overhauled.

“When you’ve got thousands of people who condemn vaccines and embrace illnesses like measles. Then clearly it’s time for a change in how we approach these things. People should be allowed to choose to contract any disease they like without the interference of do-gooders telling them what’s “potentially deadly” or not. Telling people that they can’t contract a disease will only make them resentful of medicine and more likely to want that disease. Letting people contract whatever bugs and viruses they want will result in a much healthier society overall”

When Gary was asked exactly how this last claim would work and what sense, if any, it actually makes, he grew very angry and hostile, accused us of being part of the “PC brigade” then eventually punched his boss when given sparkling water instead of still at their lunchtime meeting.

Derek, a rare sample of smallpox and spokesperson for the British Society for the Preservation and Reintroduction of Classic Diseases, cited the lasting damage healthcare policies and medical innovation have done to traditional British causes of death.

“Smallpox, cholera, bubonic plague, polio, it used to be that if you wanted a potentially-deadly communicable illness, you could just go and get one. Nobody minded, and even if they did they’d probably be dead in a week so who cared? But that was the good old day, which are sadly long gone. Nowadays you’ve got kids growing up who barely even know what cholera is, let alone having suffered its glorious debilitation. A great British tradition, condemned to the past all because of one do-gooder with a tap. These days, you so much as get on a bus with weeping sores or cough up blood in a primary school and suddenly you’re in a sterile environment being pumped full of who knows what medicines. It’s disrespectful and patronising and limits the freedom of every individual to be a potential patient zero should they so choose”.

“We at the British Society for the Preservation and Reintroduction of Classic Diseases want to see an end to stifling medical policies and laws on hygiene and a return to proper British illnesses. The potential economic benefits alone are enough to make it an obvious move. As well as all the money saved on pointless healthcare, ever-increasing pension costs will no longer be a problem when nobody lives past 30.”

When it was pointed that the eradication of medicine and healthcare furthers their own pro-disease agenda and would cause massive harm to countless individuals, none of the individuals were willing to comment on this.

It was then pointed out that this article reports several examples of microscopic pathogens making coherent, understandable statements, which is actually extremely unlikely. When it was pointed out that a mass of mindless poisonous matter couldn’t possibly go around making political statements, the main response was “That never stopped Nigel Farage”, which is a fair enough.

Dean Burnett isn’t really a fan of diseases, eloquent or otherwise. He is on Twitter. @garwboy