We all like a good bit of sex. Or do we? We live in a culture criticised for being oversexualised, but it might also be described as one saturated in sex and the expectation that everyone loves sex – if you’re having it, you’re living the dream; if you’re not having it, you wish you were, and 12 million OKCupid users on a quest for love can’t be wrong. So what happens when you’re uninterested in sex?
If that’s how you’d describe yourself, you’re likely lurking in the shadows, nervous to talk about what feels like a social aberration. However, not wanting sex isn’t terribly unusual. Relative silence on the subject reinforces the idea that there’s something wrong with people who don’t want to have sex, and it doesn’t help when people who speak up receive negative reactions from the society around them.
Whether people are asexual, working through trauma, or simply taking a break from sex, there are plenty of reasons to be thinking about other things in life. In the vast majority of cases, not wanting to have sex isn’t evidence of a pathological problem that needs to be cured, and it’s nothing to be unhappy about. Opening up about the subject creates an environment where others can do the same, increasing awareness of the fact that sex isn’t the be-all and end-all for many people, and that’s perfectly all right. There’s plenty to go round for those who want it, and there’s no reason to shame those who don’t.
In rare cases, not being interested in sex is a sign of something wrong, and it’s usually easy to spot when it’s an issue instead of a normal phase of life. Sometimes it indicates that a medication is causing side effects, or it’s a warning sign of an underlying illness. In these instances, not wanting to have sex can become a problem. It may make someone feel isolated, for example, or could indicate that a patient needs treatment or a medication adjustment.
For those dealing with trauma, not wanting to have sex may be a symptom, but it’s still not a problem. Sexual or other traumas need to be handled carefully, and pushing people to have sex too soon will only compound their sense of isolation. Therapy, time and support are all useful – and it’s valid to take a break from sex. Even when people aren’t coping with trauma, sometimes they’re just focused on other things, like careers, raising children, or their own projects. Sex doesn’t carry the same weight for everyone.
Many people who don’t want to have sex, though, are asexual – members of a large and complicated sexual orientation that includes a broad swath of people who aren’t interested in sex, for a variety of reasons, but are perfectly happy that way. It’s a facet of human sexuality, but it’s not as simple as “not wanting to have sex”. Imagine reducing sexual people to “people who want to have sex”!
Look up “asexual” and you’ll encounter a myriad of definitions, but one of the most common is “people who don’t experience sexual attraction”. Asexual people may be involved in romantic (and sometimes even sexual) relationships, but they experience attraction by other measures, seeking out partners for different reasons. Yet the decision not to have sex is often used to invalidate their relationships – surely, you can’t call it a real relationship if no one’s having sex? It’s also used to invalidate their very orientation by people who think that sex is the pinnacle of human relationships, and who suggest that asexual people are lacking in some way or that they just haven’t found the right person – an argument oddly reminiscent of the notion that gay and lesbian people just need to stumble upon the right opposite-sex partner.
For some asexual people, sex isn’t on the agenda, or it’s not a particularly important part of a relationship, and they seek out relationships with people who share their priorities and interests. Such relationships are sometimes dismissively referred to as friendships or deep platonic connections, but their nature is more complicated than that. It’s possible to experience romantic attraction without sexual interest, to have a marriage without sex, to establish a rich relationship in which sex plays a minimal or nonexistent role.
Not wanting to have sex, in these cases, isn’t something that can be explained away. Much like sexual people, asexual people aren’t broken or wrong because of their orientation, and however they came about it – the “born this way” debate rages on – it’s valid, and can be empowering. Identifying with asexuality helps people find their communities, and to reach out to people who live like them.
Estimates suggest that around 1% of the population identifies, or has identified, as asexual, which means that if you’re not interested in sex, you’re not alone. You probably know someone else who feels the same way, and what matters is that you’re happy, not what other people think.
