Hey ladies! Reduce embarrassing armpit hair with a magic deodorant! Sure and Dove will next month release new roll-ons and sprays which they claim will noticeably slow down the speed of hair growth. For women.

But why on earth are both brands – owned by Unilever – only targeting women? That's patronising, sexist and economically stupid. Because I want some too. And I'm, er, sure I'm not alone. (Am I? Help me out here, readers. Or alternatively ridicule me to within an inch of my follicles.)

Like many men, I find excessive armpit hair hideous. I'm not being sexist. I don't like it on anyone. Especially me.

I am hairy in all the wrong places. One lone hair springs out of the centre of my puny chest. Under my skinny arms, for some reason, is a forest of horrible growth. I first noticed it when I wore a dress (I'm seeing how many embarrassing confessions I can cram into a short blog) at a student party. For a few years afterwards, I secretly shaved my pits. Not completely, just to stop it popping out from all sides and halt its seemingly relentless march down the underside of my arm.

Unfortunately, as any fool would anticipate, it only grew back twice as virulently. So now, every few months, I very privately reduce its volume with a pair of scissors. The left armpit looks quite nice and neat but the right is not pretty: as any right-handed person who has tried to cut anything by looking in a mirror and deploying a pair of scissors with their left hand will know, it's nigh impossible.

I know a few ordinary blokes who quietly do the same. They may say it is for sports-related reasons but they still do it. It is not women, but these poor creatures who are in desperate need of something which, it is claimed, will make underarm hair less noticeable, finer and easier to remove after just four weeks of use.

Unilever says the product must not be used anywhere other than the armpits, which is a body blow to all those Premiership footballers who spend their days waxing themselves as well as Hollywood method actors wanting to play bald characters. Why not slap it on your bonce for some premature hair loss? If it's not safe on your head or legs or chest, why is it, ahem, fine on your arms?

I'm not qualified to pass comment on its safety or science but please, Mrs Unilever, pop it in one of your male brands, such as Lynx (Axe in many countries). Until then, instead of nursing their embarrassing secret in private, the society of male underarm hair trimmers will be forced into the very public humiliation of lurking in the women's deodorant aisle, shuffling up to the counter when no-one else is looking and pretending it is a purchase for their sister.