There we were thinking pandas were stupid, that they were an evolutionary dead-end that could not even reproduce without the help of the Chinese state. But it seems we have underestimated them. A giant panda by the name of Ai Hin fooled her keepers into thinking she was pregnant to get more food. Perhaps humans have something to learn from Ai Hin – that if more women faked a pregnancy we too could reap the benefits. If pregnancy and childcare are going to continue to hamper women’s career progression, earning potential and ultimate equality, perhaps we need to play it more to our advantage. It’s a high-risk, short-term strategy, but here are some of the benefits you might receive before people start realising there is no bun in your oven.

1. Getting a seat on public transport

This doesn’t always work. Even if you wear a “baby on board” badge advertising the contents of one of your internal organs, commuters are deft at fixing their gaze on their electronic devices. However, people are often polite enough to give up their seat to the impregnated. But what about the hungover? Those of us who feel a bit peaky or have a particularly ferocious period? Until the time people are willing to wear a “touch of the runs on board” badge, women can at least pretend to be pregnant and stand a chance of getting that prized seat.

2. Eating disgusting food

While women are still judged and commented on for what they eat, pregnancy gives you a bit of a pass for eating the unconventional. Claiming you are pregnant can finally allow you to eat Pringles dipped in cottage cheese, Dairy Milk dipped in peanut butter, and hot dogs on a stick dipped in curry sauce. Rather than being repulsed, people will chuckle and give you a knowing nudge and wink. Also, you don’t have to pretend to like salad. The pandas are definitely on to something here.

3. Get out of social engagements

By the time you enter your 30s you have pretty much used up all your excuses. You don’t have any exams coming up, you don’t have a job that takes you out of town and you don’t have any other friends. Basically, there is no way of getting out of that invite to birthday karaoke. If you’re “pregnant” you don’t have to give any specifics. Just being pregnant is tiresome, exhausting and makes you generally boring to be around. Your friends will be relieved you’re not there talking about sore boobs, swollen ankles and pregnancy yoga.

4. Your partner will be nicer to you

Now this where the strategy reveals its shortcomings. Your partner will suddenly want to do everything for you, from making meals and massaging your feet to doing most of the shopping. But this will be balanced against the fact that they will definitely leave you when they find out you’ve been lying. Try writing a pros and cons list to decide if it’s worth it. This won’t work if you’re not in a relationship, and if you’re in a relationship with a woman, she may smell a rat.

5. Not drinking or smoking

It’s pretty hard to dress this one up as a positive. There might well be health benefits to not drinking copious amounts of alcohol or smoking cancer sticks, but the downsides involve being profoundly boring and sanctimonious. This might be a benefit if you want to try the growing number of non-alcoholic beers available, a few of which don’t taste of urine. If you need an excuse to dry out for a few months, faking a pregnancy avoids any awkward questions.

6. You may get presents

The concept of a baby shower is fairly new to these shores. Many people are superstitious about buying things for a baby before it is born, but there is a growing trend for milking your mates for presents both before and after the birth. Many of the gifts may not be particularly useful if you are not in fact pushing out a small person, but some of the baby clothes might fit a small dog if you have one. And if you’re low on massage oils and bath bombs, then you’ll get plenty of them. Again, as with duping your partner, your friends might get suspicious when you fail to reproduce so you may want to invite just those whom you don’t really like.

Actual pregnancy can involve pain, illness, isolation, death or ending up in jail. So if you can’t or don’t want to go through all that but you’d still like a seat, a present and an easy ride now and again, you might consider faking it. If the downsides of losing friends and loved ones, and being seen as a pathological liar outweigh these, then perhaps just eat your pop tarts dipped in Nutella on the quiet.