Age: Born anew with every child's smile, bird's song or fistful of MDMA. Delete according to taste.
Appearance: Notoriously fleeting.
So . . . what is it? A warm puppy? A cigar called Hamlet? A meaningless concept designed to distract us from the long, slow grind of life that leads inexorably to the grave? Nobody knows. But people are forever researching the subject and three of them have just launched an organisation called the Movement for Happiness.
Oh God – hippies! Are hippies back? I can't stand them, with their stupid beads and their stupid long hair and their stupid ideals. No, no – it's not hippies. It's been founded by Lord Layard, the government's "happiness tsar", master of Wellington College Anthony Seldon, and Geoff Mulgan, former head of policy at 10 Downing Street. And they are looking for a director.
Oh really? And how will s/he be paid? In kittens, rainbows or sunbeams? In pounds sterling. Up to 80,000 of them.
£80,000! Well, at least one person's going to be happier. Maybe. Although a central plank of Lord Layard's research on happiness was about how an income of over £50,000 doesn't have a significant effect on happiness.
I am willing to test that theory. What should I put on my CV? A-levels in optimism? Passed all my serotonin tests with flying colours? A photo of my lovely smiling face? They're actually looking for someone with "imaginative flair and organisational ability" who can come up with ways to steer society off the path of mindless consumerism and teach us to value the things that really enrich us and bring us lasting happiness.
Like what? Engaging with people. Contributing to society. Volunteering. Helping the needy. That sort of thing.
Hippyshit! It is hippies, I knew it! They're just calling themselves something different! How can we protect ourselves? Maybe I can build a wall of iPods around myself? They're not hippies . . . never mind. Build the wall. That way we'll all be better off.
Do say: "It's not about the money."
Don't say: "£80,000? Does that include expenses?"
