I am 35 and have hardly any friends. My family travelled a lot, meaning I lost most of my friends from childhood, and now I have only a handful of close friends, most of whom live in other countries. I am happily married with a young child and my husband has lots of friends, but I feel alone. I see lots of my acquaintances who regularly go out with friends, or other mums, and I think, “Why haven’t they invited me?” What’s wrong with me?
There are perks to the travelling lifestyle, to be sure, but when we are young, these ruptured friendships can leave little scars. As a result, you might resist diving into an intimate friendship as an adult. It could otherwise be that your background was unique, or that you were educated in a way that has left you feeling different or isolated in some way. Compatibility, especially in adulthood, is a subtle, fragile and sometimes complicated thing.

I find that in friendship, sharing the same values, priorities, interests and worldviews is important, as well as having the ability to empathise, and some emotional maturity. But what would you need to know in order to commit to a new friendship? Writing that down is worthwhile, because it can help you work out which events or invitations to say yes to, and which to decline.

A little dose of vulnerability might serve you well here, too. A well-placed conversation where you share that you “would love to be invited” somewhere, or “are having a hard time making friends” could open up opportunities with people who may assume you don’t want to be invited. If there is a behavioural habit that is somehow offputting, perhaps you could enrol a couple of people around you (your husband? family?) to give you feedback? Failing any huge behavioural red flag, it could be that you are someone who has fewer friends than some, but that the one or two you do have will be intimate and long-lasting.

There is nothing wrong with you. And there are friends out there for you. The more you know what matters most to you, the more you’ll be like a beacon to those who are looking for a friend like you – as much as you are looking for one like them.

• Alanis Morissette’s podcast is available at iTunes and at alanis.com. Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to Alanis Morissette at askalanis@theguardian.com