I had the birds and the bees conversation with my daughter when she was around four years old. I told her that sex is an act that two consenting adults choose to do and I stressed that nobody should touch her body in any way that makes her uncomfortable.

We have revisited this conversation over the years. I told her that her genitals are called a vagina, not fanny, nunnie, minnie or down there. I was sick and tired of the pervading belief that women and girls can’t describe our body parts directly.

Now nearly 10 years after that conversation (she’s just turned 14) teenage hormones are in full swing, with eye rolling and tuning me out while listening to Rihanna. But I love the fact we have frank open conversations about most things and I truly treasure the times we don’t agree. I love that she has her own views about the world.

With that in mind, I want to share some thoughts about my work that made me think of my daughter and the pressure girls around the world face in relation to their sexuality.

As part of my work with the Dahlia Project, a counselling service I founded for women and girls who have undergone female genital mutilation (FGM), I run sessions for refugee women where I talk about the cultures they grew up in.

The discussion always leads to sex, and a recurring theme is virginity. Many of the women are educated and considered liberal in their way of thinking. They say their daughters are equal to their sons. However, they also say they want their daughters to remain virgins to protect them from harm and so that future husbands will respect them.

What interests me about these conversations is that the women openly talked about being cheated on or beaten by their so-called respectful husbands. I nudged the women to reflect. “Did remaining a virgin work for you?” I asked. “Did it prevent the violence and betrayal he had caused you?” Many were baffled by my questions. By our second session some of the women were starting to realise that cultural patriarchy was alive and well in their homes, and they were complicit in committing the oppression they had endured against their own daughters.

Sadly I only had two sessions with these women, and they left me questioning this universal obsession with virginity. I remember newspaper articles about Kate Middleton, being slut-shamed in newspaper articles for not being a virgin before marriage and rumour has it Diana had to prove her virginity before marrying Prince Charles. If a woman is sexually free or has multiple partners, society shames her and makes her feel bad about herself.

While dating I’ve been asked how many men I’ve slept with. This idea of being judged based on the history of my vagina is absolutely ludicrous and another form of control of women’s sexuality. My brother and all the men in my life are never asked such questions yet alone judged on them. Society high-fives men with multiple sexual partners.

I had my first sexual experience at the age of 18 with my then husband (I’m currently happily divorced). I didn’t make the choice to stay a virgin. I did so for two reasons. Firstly, I wasn’t the girl boys were lining up to date. I was a super nerd who didn’t wear makeup or pluck her eyebrows. So, no temptation or struggle for me. Secondly, my mother told me sex was great and nothing to be ashamed about. As a teenager I wasn’t keen to try something my mother enjoyed (remember that trick, parents).

I remind my daughter that whenever the day comes that she wants to lose her virginity (why is it something you lose, like a precious possession?), it is no one’s business but hers. If anyone tries to judge her based on her genitals, I tell her to just walk away.

I tell her that our vaginas are very special and powerful, we bleed and give birth from them, and it’s her right as a woman to enjoy sex one day. It’s a beautiful and enjoyable act. Patriarchy tried to prevent me and over 200 million FGM survivors from living as sexual beings, but through therapy and a loving supportive partner many of these women can and are enjoying sex. There is hope.

Dear world, women have sex and enjoy it, so get over the idea that virginity is something to protect.

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