Last Sunday morning, Sir Ian Botham’s penis was on my doorstep.
The world is changing fast; millions of others found Sir Ian’s penis on their laptop, Kindle or mobile phone. But I still love the elegance of a printed page, so the cricket legend’s john thomas was delivered to me the old-fashioned way. At dawn. Through the letter-box. With a bang. I haven’t finished. When I woke up, I was amazed by what I found all over the mat. (I know I already said it was left on the doorstep, but let’s just assume I get two copies of the Sun on Sunday, and move on to the next paragraph.)
Last Sunday, news that Ian Botham does not suffer from erectile dysfunction was splashed across the front of Britain’s cheeriest tabloid. The great sportsman has been having impotence treatment, he “bravely revealed”, but only as a preventative measure. He urged men to throw off pride issues around penile function and confidently seek treatment for impotence – but not men like himself, because he doesn’t suffer from it. No siree. No Sir-Ian.
“I’m a male and men do have problems and you have to front up to them,” said Botham, adding: “I don’t have a problem.”
Nevertheless, Ian Botham has been undergoing Vigore Linear Shockwave Therapy. He mentioned this several times, while bravely revealing his total lack of a problem. It doesn’t say he was paid for this, although he does also appear on the website for Vigore Linear Shockwave Therapy saying: “I’m happy to recommend Vigore offered by the Regenerative Medical Group and they will provide a screening first to ensure you are suitable. Please call 0800 999 2662 or email admin@vigore.co.uk for further information.”
It’s certainly possible that Sir Ian is doing all this for free, in order to encourage men to have no shame about undergoing such treatment. After all, he is keen to see the end of the embarrassment albatross: “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” he assured potential patients in his interview. Not that Ian Botham would need to be embarrassed anyway, because, as he quickly clarified: “I didn’t need the treatment.”
We would already know that Ian Botham has no trouble in that department if we’d ever seen a photograph of his erect penis on Twitter, which of course we haven’t, because the person who put a photograph of their erect penis on Ian Botham’s Twitter feed with the note “What are you thinking..xx” was a hacker.
But we trust him. He volunteered to have his privates zapped with shockwaves for no motive other than insurance against the possibility of erectile problems in the future. It may sound grisly but it’s better than using Viagra, argues Sir Ian. Not that he has ever used Viagra himself. (“I have never needed to,” he explains.)
Poor men. It seems like they have to have erections all the time these days. Ubiquitous internet porn access shows a relentless gallery of unrealistic women demanding to be satisfied around the clock. The documentary Brought Up On Porn, released on BBC iPlayer last Monday, reveals that one in four new erectile dysfunction patients is under 40, which seems to reflect the anxiety created by technology.
Latest news in London is that businessman Bradley Charvet, who is launching the Fellatio Cafe in Geneva this December, now hopes to open a branch in Marylebone. Yes, it is what you think: a cafe where men can receive oral sex while having a coffee. This is an appalling, dangerous and irresponsible idea. We drink far too much coffee already.
The prospective cafe’s name is disappointing. “The Fellatio Cafe”? They’re not even trying. I myself would have called it Cup And Saucy. But even Hot Drinks would have been better.
What about Just A Splash, An Extra Shot or Mine’s A Grande? Other possibilities (I have given this some thought) include The Daily Grind, Morning Glory, French Roast, Johnny Come Lattely, Our Coffee Sucks, The Foamy Lip, A Little Bit Of Sugar In Your Bowl, Fluid, The Drip Method, Cup And Balls, Cup This and Starsucks. I’ll leave it with you. Have a nice afternoon.
Where was I? Ah yes. I’m sure this ghastly cafe won’t open, though it really is opening in Geneva, but the very idea that a normal man might be expected to perform under such circumstances adds to the general taxing expectations (and the word “perform” itself is a stressful one, which should probably be phased out.)
So Ian Botham’s interview in last Sunday’s Sun was not “brave” at all: it was weedy, unhelpful and wrong. Correctly or incorrectly, people will assume he was paid for his Vigore endorsement and people are pretty media-savvy. They’ll know a company like that would look long and hard (yes, yes) for a celebrity who suffered from erectile dysfunction and the closest they could evidently find is someone who’s careful to state over and over again that he definitely doesn’t. The company could find nobody who would talk openly about it without this tub-thumping proviso. And celebrities will do anything.
Therefore the notion that it’s taboo is emphatically reinforced! And it’s reinforced alongside the weird possibility of extra guilt and regret for any impotent men who didn’t have shockwave treatment as a “preventative measure”.
Of course there should be no shame in this sort of thing. The human body is a beautiful, complicated, interesting ecosystem; glitches happen. Impotence causes such terrible sadness, loneliness and frustration, it’s a proper wide-scale tragedy that thoughts of ignominy and humiliation prevent anyone from either seeking help or living a proud and happy life regardless.
That Ian Botham would despise the idea of anyone thinking he has “a problem”, yet agree to be the man who talks publicly about impotence anyway … if there is shame in anything, it’s that.
