Some of us enjoy solitude. But when you have no choice, and are stuck with too much of it, it can easily turn into loneliness, which is no pleasure at all. There are more than a million older people in England whose lives are blighted by loneliness – and now we have Christmas rubbing it in, as usual.
There is nothing more miserable than sleeping, waking, eating and doing more or less everything alone – especially for anyone single, separated or widowed, and in poor health – while the rest of the country seems to be playing happy families, or at least trying to. And most of us are much too busy to help some old person whose existence we’re not even aware of. Age UK has launched a befriending service in which older people are matched with volunteers to receive a 20–30 minute phone call each week. It doesn’t sound much, one call a week, but when your weeks stretch endlessly ahead, punctuated by nothing except perhaps the odd lightning visit from a carer who has barely a moment to speak, then a friendly weekly phone call and chat can mean a lot.
Last week I sat in one morning with the charity, and heard Nicky chatting to Mavis. They sounded like old friends, talking of families, Christmas plans, the cats’ behaviour, and laughing. Mavis said she was having a busy time. She’d made eight Christmas cakes, was about to go out, and had two church events. But Nicky promised to call her on Christmas Day. “Will you really?” asked Mavis. “Thank you, sweetheart. I do love you.” The calls may sound lightweight, but the cheery small talk can often conceal a heartbreaking situation.
Stephanie calls Eva, who has a Christmas lunch the next day, “then nothing till after New Year. I’ll just watch TV, see if any visitors call. Last year I sat here with a box of chocolates. Did a jigsaw. Enjoyed it. A bit of me time. I get loads of that anyway. I always was a Christmas person, but now the children are gone. You can still put up a little tree, can’t you, bit of glitter? We can’t come back. It’s not a dress rehearsal. You have to do the best you can.” And then Eva explains why the past two years have been particularly difficult. “My husband decided to retire overseas, took me with him, then left me. Mind over matter. Sitting down with the box of tissues achieves nothing.”
It must be very hard to have thoughts of such an event swirling round your head. But talking to someone sympathetic, even a relative stranger such as Stephanie, who is happy to listen, seems to help. The sadness in Eva’s voice is deeply affecting, although she is trying to disguise it and, like many lonely older people, she is putting on a brave face.
Bette Davis was right when she said: “Old age is not for sissies.” In later life, after a break-up or death of a partner, you can’t go off to work, or anywhere much, to distract yourself from thoughts of what you have lost and miss. Almost more than anything else, you may need someone to talk to. Three years ago Sally Lubamov, 86, was asked by the Today programme what she most wanted from her home carers. She replied, “For them to have enough time for a chat and a sit-down and a hot meal with me.” It’s not much to ask. Last week Today visited her again. She had been very ill, but was thrilled to have at last had that hot meal, three weeks ago. “First time for a year!”
The telephone relationships work both ways. Dean, a 24-year-old Tottenham supporter, chats to Joe, an 80-year-old Birmingham City fan, every week for half an hour. They talk football, and “all the things Joe has been through, the hurricanes in Jamaica, how the winds made the fruit crash from the trees,” says Dean. “We come from very different worlds, and our friendship has really changed me. He has a contagious spirit and he’s given me the confidence to speak to people I don’t know. I’d consider him a friend … [It’s] not just something I do because I volunteered.” Joe’s wife died in 1991, and he now has very limited mobility, but talking to Dean also cheers him up: “He’s like another grandson to me – very pleasant to talk to.”
Older people are also very pleasant to talk to, and interesting and amusing. They have a lifetime of experience to talk about, given half a chance. But they need to talk all year round, not just at Christmas.
To sign up to Age UK’s phone befriending service, visit ageuk.org.uk/no-one or call 0800 169 6565 free of charge
