Name: Tim Loughton.

Age: 55.

Appearance: Standard Tory MP model #003; pruned.

Pruned? Pruned.

I already don’t like where this is going. But – explain pruned. He spends an hour in the bath every morning.

I definitely don’t like where this is going. Can we stop? No.

OK. What is he doing in the bath for an hour? Thinking.

Thinking? Thinking.

About what? Oh, everything. And nothing. He says it helps him relax and compose his thoughts for the day ahead.

If you have a life that allows you to spend an hour in the bath every morning, how much more do you need to relax? The MP for East Worthing and Shoreham says he also reads the papers and does a bit of work in there.

Why is he making us all think about a naked Tory MP stewing in his own grease, sweat and juices? Not a bath person, are you?

No. Not too keen on Tories either, TBH. Even clothed ones. He claims: “One of the greatest sources of stress in the world was the invention of the shower.”

I would nominate disability assessments, benefits caps, Brexit and the erosion of civil liberties before that. And the mental image of naked Tories in a rapidly cooling pool of their own filth, of course. That is very rude. He was just doing his job.

How? He was speaking as the co-chairman of the all-parliamentary group on mindfulness at a conference about how meditation and greater self-awareness can improve the way politicians operate.

I am all for politicians improving the way they operate, but is reclining in the bath with the papers the way to do it? Oh God, now a loofah has entered the picture in my mind’s eye and I am going to have to bleach my brain. Churchill would dictate letters and conduct meetings in the bath.

Is that supposed to comfort me? The thought that things could be corpulently worse? Yes.

Pull the plug on this thing now. Now. Swirling away. I am gone.

Do say: “Baths are a sanctuary.”

Don’t say: “We keep the coal in ours.”