The world is a dangerous place. More than 151,600 people die each day. You could be one of them if you don’t learn a few basic survival tips. Here are the rules on how to stay alive.
Never Leave the House Without a 100kg Bergen Rucksack Thousands of people get lost in forests each year on what they thought was a simple walk from their house to buy a carton of milk. Travelling with the right supplies can mean the difference between life and death. I always take a gallon of drinking water, a 12-inch knife, a defibrillator, three Sainsbury’s heat-up chicken tikka masalas, and a solar-powered microwave oven.
Lighting a Fire If you’re lost at night, you’re going to need to keep warm. Don’t worry if you’ve run out of firelighters and kindling – there’s plenty of other combustible material around. Use Google maps to find the nearest branch of Kwik Fit, where you can be sure to find some old tyres. These burn a treat and the noxious black smoke will help guide a helicopter in to airlift you out of Croydon.
Building a Shelter Keeping dry increases your chances of survival by 236%. If you are stuck in the snow, dig a hole and sit in it. Whenever I’ve been lost in the desert, I’ve found the best solution is to book myself into the nearest five-star hotel.
How to Communicate You can try using a mirror – I always carry one to check I’m looking my best (Scout’s motto: Be Prepared to Be on TV). But to be honest, it’s probably easiest to give someone a ring on your mobile.
How to Find Food You can eat almost anything providing it’s not poisonous. The simplest way to tell if something is edible is to let the person you are travelling with try it first. If she gets violent stomach cramps and starts vomiting, it’s probably a good idea to give it a miss.
How to Handle Yourself in a Fight Should you be attacked by a bloke who wants to kill you, apply the krav maga system of self-defence honed by Priti Patel’s friends inthe Israeli military. Simultaneously stick your fingers in your assailant’s eyes, punch him in the throat and knee him in the groin. Once he is on the ground, take out your semi-automatic rifle and shoot him through the chest.
How to Survive Getting Lost First of all, don’t panic. Then walk back the way you came until you reach a landmark you recognise. If you can’t remember which way you’ve come, you probably shouldn’t have been out in the first place. If all else fails, shout for help.
How to Land a Plane You’re on a commercial aircraft and both pilot and co-pilot are incapacitated. First kick your way into the cockpit, then radio air traffic control to let them know you’re going to land this motherfucker. Lose height as you come near the airport, lower the undercarriage and remember to use the brakes when the wheels touch down. Yippee-ki-yay!
How to Survive a Volcanic Eruption An active volcano can be extremely dangerous. If one starts to erupt, make sure you’re on the side where the molten lava isn’t. Otherwise, be prepared to run at 1,000mph into the nearest lake or sea. Keep your sunglasses on at all time because the glare from the flames can cause temporary blindness.
How to Survive Severe Trauma Imagine you’ve just jumped from 25,000ft, your parachute didn’t open and you’ve broken both your legs. Then you find you’ve landed in a warzone and someone has shot a six-inch hole through your chest. This has happened to me several times and you’ve got to think fast to stay alive. First, get out the defibrillator to restart your heart, then reach inside your body to sew up the aorta. Clamp the aperture with a dead squirrel, chop down a couple of trees to splint your legs, then walk into the jungle, hop on top of the nearest elephant and tell it to take you to a hospital.
How to Survive a Bear Attack Whether they are trying to get you to join the scouts, are on TV doing highly scripted Challenge Anneka routines with Barack Obama, or are grinning from posters trying to persuade you to go on the Alpha Course, there seems to be an epidemic of Bears. They’ve even taken to recycling books they’ve already written. There’s only one safe way of dealing with them: stay indoors, turn out the lights, and sit in a cupboard.
Digested read, digested: The Bear necessities.
