I recently conducted a very scientific study in the pub with some straight male friends. “Have you ever wanted to experience pregnancy?” I asked. The answer was an emphatic “absolutely not”. In the interests of methodological rigorousness, I rephrased my question. “Do you ever feel sad you aren’t able to experience what it’s like to grow a human inside you?” Again, 100% of respondents answered with some variation of, “Hell, no.”
My investigations were prompted by a scientific study published in the journal Human Reproduction. The official title of the study is Parity Associated With Telomere Length Among US Reproductive-Age Women, but a more accurate title would be Yet More Evidence That Pregnancy Is Torture. Not only does pregnancy mess with your hormones, it appears to mess up your DNA; giving birth may add the equivalent of 11 years to a woman’s biological age.
This doesn’t necessarily mean having kids will send you to an early grave, just that giving birth seems to cause your cells to age. The research looked at blood samples from almost 2,000 US women aged from 20-44 and found that those who had given birth had telomeres that were 4.2% shorter than those who hadn’t. Telomeres are like protective caps that cover the ends of our chromosomes; over time they get worn down, and shorter telomeres have been linked to certain physical signs of ageing such as grey hair, along with age-associated health problems, including heart failure.
While I have always thought I would quite like to have children, I’ve never had any desire to be pregnant. I don’t have tokophobia (a fear of pregnancy and childbirth), I have just always felt that pregnancy is a life experience I’d prefer to avoid. Surrendering your body to a growing mass of cells for nine months feels like a necessary evil rather than something to savour or actively desire. And yet women are often told that pregnancy is a beautiful and amazing experience they should welcome and rejoice in; and that you are selfish if you resent it. In the same way that society still frowns on women who have no interest in having children, there’s a stigma, I think, in saying that you find the idea of being pregnant borderline repulsive (as I do). There doesn’t seem to be such a stigma, however, in men saying that there is no way they’d ever want to be pregnant. Leading one to surmise, perhaps, that pregnancy may not actually be such a wonderful experience after all.
In my opinion, the sooner technology allows us to outsource pregnancy to artificial wombs, the better. And, indeed, a post-pregnancy world may not be too far away. Last year, an artificial womb made to support critically premature babies was successfully demonstrated in animals. Researchers at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia placed six lambs, who had been delivered by caesarean deliveries at the equivalent of 23 human weeks, in “biobags” designed to mimic the womb. The lambs appeared to develop normally – meanwhile their mothers could have a glass of wine without feeling baaaaad about it. (Sorry.)
The team behind the research predicts that artificial wombs will be ready for human trials in the next few years. While these wombs would strictly be used for caring for premature babies, it seems like a significant first step to a brave new world where baby-making is removed from notions of sex and gender. Some may consider that a dystopian future, but I can’t wait until women aren’t confined to a womb of their own.
Another bizarre Simpsons prediction comes true
Serious question: has anyone investigated the possibility that the people behind the Simpsons are actually sorcerers? The show, which has been running for almost 30 years, is famous for its unsettlingly accurate prophecies. In 1998, for example, it predicted Disney’s 2017 takeover of Fox. A 2000 episode called Bart to the Future references a Trump presidency. “As you know, we’ve inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump,” Lisa says. The show has also correctly predicted everything from smartwatches to Super Bowl winners.
The most recent example of the show’s astounding psychic powers came last weekend, when the US beat Sweden to win gold in curling at the Winter Olympics. While the gold for that event was a first for the US, it was old news in Springfield. A Simpsons episode that aired in 2010, Boy Meets Curl, saw a US curling team (featuring Homer, Marge, Principal Skinner and his mother) defeat Sweden and collect gold.
Spoilsports who don’t believe in magic have rationalised this prescience in various ways. It has been pointed out, for example, that its 2000 predictions about a Trump presidency are easily explained. In 1999, encouraged by “amazing” polls, Trump launched a committee to explore running for president and was frequently on the news explaining how he’d be the best president ever if he decided to bless the country with his candidacy. It would have been notable, really, if the Simpsons hadn’t seized on this for joke fodder.
Recalling Trump’s 1999 presidential ambitions is also a good reminder that history repeats itself. I’m just not sure whether we’re living through the tragedy phase or the farce bit.
February: the most attention-seeking month of the year
If April is the cruellest month, then February is probably the stupidest. Nothing about it makes sense. Not only is it shorter than other months, but every four years it decides to leap, which seems like egregious attention-seeking to me. And then there’s the unnecessary “r”, which the more sensible January does very well without. Basically, February is the month equivalent of a girl called Ashley who announces her name is actually spelled Ashkaleigh (with a silent k) because she thinks it makes her more interesting. Here’s a cool fact, though: in Old English, February was known as Solmonað, which translates to “mud month”. It was also known as Kale-monath, yet more evidence that everything about February is insufferable. Roll on March.
• Arwa Mahdawi is a Guardian columnist
