Sleep
I thrive on four hours. There is always something on telly, and I consider the morning hours to be golden. I go to bed about 4-5am and I’m up by 10 at the latest. There are only three things that stop me sleeping: hunger, the odd bad dream and cramp in the arches of my feet – it’s crippling, as if somebody’s trying to tie your foot in a reef knot.
Eat
For breakfast, I have a box of blueberries, a couple of almond croissants and half a pint of espresso. Sometimes I miss lunch. My main meal is dinner at between 6pm and 7pm. I’m dead fussy about food: I don’t eat junk. I like cooking steak and chips, but I am not versatile. My wife, Evie, can cook from a recipe: she’s French and has loads of specialities. Tonight, she tells me, we’re having something to do with ham, spinach and mushrooms. I have the odd sherbet: I like a martini at 5.30pm and wine with my meal.
Work
I am rigid about work: I’m at the desk from 10am to martini o’clock. I write with pen and paper. I don’t have a mobile or computer, because I know how great they are. If I did, I’d never leave the house – you’d find me in six months, dead under a pile of pizza boxes. People think of me as a dissolute person, but I’m a walking example of self-denial.
Family
I am in the company of my wife and daughter, Stella, most of the time – it’s one of the perks of working from home. Stella is a visual merchandiser, and my wife is a carer and language teacher. I couldn’t tell you what we do. The usual, I suppose: eating out.
Fun
I like telly. My brother alerted me to the Talking Pictures channel, which shows British crime films from the late 50s – right up my street. I love being on my bike, but I don’t consider that a sport: it’s too pleasant. The last time I did exercise was in a drug rehabilitation clinic in the 1980s. You could either do relaxation or badminton, the most frustrating game. You can whack that shuttlecock with every fibre and strength at your disposal, and it’s never going to go any farther than 3ft. What a waste of time.
• John Cooper Clarke is touring the UK and Ireland; johncooperclarke.com/gigs for dates and ticket details.
