I got into a sorry state with the run/wash/run cycle (I take it you’re familiar with this fitness-behavioural conundrum: you don’t have a shower because you’re going for a run, then you never get round to going for a run, then on day two you have to have a shower, because civilisation, then you can’t go for a run because you’ve just had a shower) and needed motivation. This means a personal trainer if you’re rich or get stuff for free, or a running club, which can cost nothing (and is sometimes a fiver).

I thought that running clubs operated a bit like raves in the 90s: you know they exist because you see people going to and from them, but you don’t know where they meet. But actually all you have to do is search online. I found therunningclublondon.com in about five seconds, and it’s free, but they look like a fast crowd, the kind of people who can wear parachute-silk shorts without making anyone laugh. I wanted a mixed-ability vibe, a place with different groups for beginners, and I found it. I won’t tell you which one, because my first observation was, these are not my people.

It was the first beautiful day after an unending winter, and just as I thought, “Who would go running on a day like this?” a guy during the warm-up said, “Who wouldn’t go running on a day like this?” The warm-up was much longer than I would do on my own, which is to say, it was the right length. About 10 minutes capering about and running sideways. Very much like an inclusive cycling club, they said they have separate loops for different levels, but the bald truth was, there were no other beginners, and kind-hearted people who should be in intermediate took the low road in order to be encouraging. This made me feel awful. They were still a bit fast for my liking, and I felt guilty about them going slower for me. They run for longer than I would (40 minutes: I balk at anything over 30) and they have a passion for it that I can’t match.

I didn’t put on any music in case someone wanted to address me with a motivational remark, and this brought my spirits down further. For God’s sake! I have been doing this all year. I shouldn’t still be like the new girl in a Zumba class, bright red and getting my feet in the wrong order. It transpires that I plateaued some time ago, and the plain upon which I’m marooned is not very high. I’ve definitely been running, in the technical sense that I spent some time between each step entirely off the ground, so was definitely not walking. But there was not much else, give or take some enthusiastic arms, to distinguish it from a walk.

So the question is, do you want to enjoy yourself, or do you want to get better? You can’t do both and, frankly, running slowly isn’t that enjoyable either. After a lot of carping, therefore, I come down heavily in favour of a running club, if not for me, then certainly for you.

What I learned

Your calorie usage is directly proportional to how fast you run. A 10-stone person would burn 342 calories doing half an hour at 6mph, but 458 at 8mph. Maybe that sounds obvious to everyone; it wasn’t to me.