Name: Organics Basics SilverTech 2.0.

Age: Brand new. We’re talking cutting-edge technology here.

Appearance: Underpants.

Underpants? Underpants. Let me ask you a question. How often do you change your underpants?

Every day. Every day? My word! Think of all the environmental damage you’re causing by having to wash a pair of underpants every day. Not to mention the needlessly expended energy. Do you know how many hours the average person cumulatively wastes over a lifetime putting on and taking off a fresh pair of underpants every day?

No. Me neither, but it’s probably a lot. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: “There has to be a better way.”

Actually, I wasn’t thinking that at all. You’re right! There does have to be a better way, and that way is the Organics Basics SilverTech 2.0. Would you like me to tell you about the Organics Basics SilverTech 2.0?

No. Great! The Organics Basics SilverTech 2.0 is a new type of Kickstarter-funded underwear that uses antimicrobial silver technology to kill 99.9% of all known bacteria – and eliminate odour.

Fine, I’ll bite. Why? Because the company is committed to reducing water waste. And buying underwear that you can wear for several days at a time is a terrific first step that we can all make today. That’s why.

That’s disgusting. No, it isn’t. You people with your outdated and harmful attitudes to hygiene. You probably still buy toothpaste, don’t you, instead of covering a twig with ash and smacking it against your teeth?

Yes. Come on, give these underpants a chance! Would it help if I told you that the underpants use the same anti-microbial silver technology that Nasa uses to purify water on the International Space Station?

No, that makes it worse. Really? Because for a lot of customers, the knowledge that their pints and pints of crotch-sweat gets purified with space-age technology is the biggest USP here.

Why are we still talking about this? Because imagine the future. A wonderful future where everyone wears all their clothes all year round, until we all stink like morning breath and have damp weeping sores. Doesn’t that sound like a future you want to live in?

Emphatically, it does not. Suit yourself. But don’t come running to me when …

When what? When, um, you own too many pairs of clean underpants and they all, I dunno, fall on top of you and break your arm or something. Look, I’ve got nothing. Just buy some. Please. I need this.

Do say: “I haven’t changed my underpants for a fortnight!”

Don’t say: “Now, what’s all this about Organics Basics SilverTech 2.0?”